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WHAT ARE VIRTUES? Virtues are the qualities of the human spirit, such as compassion, kindness, honesty, respect and responsibility. They are building blocks of good character honored by all cultures and spiritual traditions. Learn more
"The most profound professional workshop that I have attended in years." Gillian Krantz, Educator, Abbottsford, BC about The Virtues Project
OCTOBER 17-19--AWAKENING THE VIRTUES WITHIN-Introduction to The Virtues Project™--a personal and professional development program at a serene retreat center, in Victoria, Canada. Experience transformative activities that inspire the practice of virtues in everyday life. Learn five skills used worldwide in classrooms, homes and workplaces to raise morally conscious children, create peaceful schools, enhance workforce integrity, and cultivate personal growth. Fulfills the prerequisite for facilitator training. Learn more . . .
OCTOBER 24--SHAPING CHARACTER: CREATING A CULTURE OF VIRTUES IN OUR SCHOOLS-- a professional development workshop that introduces The Virtues Project™ to educators, administrators, counselors and parents. Victoria, BC. $129 CDN/$89 US. Learn more . . .
NOVEMBER 6-8--VIRTUES PROJECT FACILITATOR TRAINING--Prerequisite is 2-day course Awakening The Virtues Within (see above) or equivalent. Trainer Pam Auffray. Chilliwack, B.C., Canada. Contact pgauffray@shaw.ca.
2. VIRTUE OF THE MONTH--FORGIVENESS
I've been reading stories of forgiveness that make my personal experience seem minimal. Someone whose sons were murdered. A man who was wrongly imprisoned for rape. A family whose business was burned down by a gang. In each instance the victims moved through anger and grief and finally came to rest at a place of inner peace gained through forgiveness. Their examples teach us about the profound healing that can come through practicing this powerful virtue. They tell us that emotional relief came from searching for the deeper meaning of life. They bear witness that the most painful traumas can yield the greatest wisdom. I honor these people and others like them for their extraordinary courage-the courage to forgive.
World religions extol the blessings of forgiveness. They tell us that our Creator forgives even the worst human behavior. Forgiveness means granting pardon for wrongdoing, whether the person deserves it or not. When we forgive someone else we let go of anger and resentment. When we forgive ourselves, we let go of guilt, shame and hopelessness.
Science confirms the benefits of forgiveness. Would you like to ditch depression, anxiety, anger and hostility? Are you seeking improved physical and mental health, as well as more love, inner peace, and trust? These are some of the documented benefits of forgiveness. (See the Stanford University Forgiveness Research Project and The Forgiveness Institute at the University of Wisconsin.)
Like all virtues, forgiveness can be misunderstood and misused. "Forgive and forget" we are told. This often translates as "Don't be angry. Let the perpetrator off the hook. Stop complaining. Don't talk about it." But the healing effect of forgiveness is not achieved by ignoring our injuries. And it is not always prudent to forget. Forgiveness does not mean that we condone or excuse what was done to us. Neither is it a bargaining chip to get the other person to make amends to us. "I'll forgive you if …". Rather, it is a way of cleansing our spirit from the poison of hate and anger.
Sometimes people hope that instant forgiveness will help them leapfrog over the painful process of emotional healing. Not so. To heal, we must face our feelings squarely. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified five stages that people move through when they have experienced an injury or loss--denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Anger can be particularly problematical. It's a normal feeling that everyone has from time to time, so admit it when you are angry. But don't give in to hostile words or deeds. Research shows that "Letting it all out" doesn't help. Anger feeds on itself and can become a habit. Instead of excessive venting, use traditional wisdom: take a deep breath, count to 10, use manners and respect, exercise, think before you speak. Consider anger to be a signal that something is wrong and needs to change. When you calm down, you will be able to think more clearly about what to do.
Having completed the various stages of grief, many people still feel empty or bitter inside. Mariah Burton Nelson suggests that forgiveness is a sixth stage of healing that brings inner peace and a feeling of wholeness. Forgiveness heals the spirit.(see Myths and Truths About Forgiveness by Mariah Burton Nelson)
Forgiveness is a skill that can be learned at any age. Try "Ways to Practice Forgiveness" below. Of course it's easiest to establish the habit in early childhood, and to start with small grievances. Children's hurts may seem trivial to adults, but these are the training ground for success with larger problems. To be successful, don't force children to say "I forgive you" or "I'm sorry". Let it come from the heart when they are truly ready.
Personally, I've found self-forgiveness to be the most challenging aspect of this virtue. I'm not alone. It's hard to accept that being human means making mistakes-sometimes horrible ones. Sometimes we punish ourselves with "guilt trips". A better choice is to "Have the courage to be imperfect", as Rudolph Dreikurs said. Like it or not, life includes failures, especially in the moral realm. The power of forgiveness helps us to move forward and give ourselves another chance. I believe that the Creator set it up this way so that we can develop our souls' powers: We are imperfect. We learn by trial and error. We are forgiven if we ask for it. So who am I to hold a grudge against myself, if the Creator doesn't? My job is just to keep doing my best. Try, try again. . .
Once you have learned the skill of forgiveness, you can aim higher in the "virtues Olympics". Strive to not feel hurt or angry in the first place! Choose compassion towards those who hurt you. Understand that they are the unhappy victims of their own behavior. For yourself, choose a pure, kindly and loving heart.
Forgiveness is balanced by justice--the topic of next month's Virtues Gazette. Until then, may your life be blessed with forgiveness--given and received.
DECIDE TO FORGIVE
By Robert Muller, former Assistant Secretary General of the UN
Decide to forgive.
For resentment is negative, resentment is poisonous,
Resentment diminishes, and devours the self.
Be the first to forgive, to smile and to take the first step,
And you will see happiness bloom on the face of your human brother or sister.
Be always the first, do not wait for others to forgive
For by forgiving, you become the master of fate,
the fashioner of life, the doer of miracles.
To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love.
In return you will receive untold peace and happiness.
WORDS OF WISDOM
The forgiving state of mind is a magnetic power for attracting good. Catherine Ponder
Forgiveness is man's deepest need and highest achievement.
Horace Bushnell
Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a permanent attitude. Martin Luther King, Jr.
When you forgive, your heart opens. Then you have an open heart, instead of a clenched fist where your heart belongs. Mariah Burton Nelson
The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself he becomes wise. Alden Nowlen, Between Tears and Laughter
fragrance of the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. Mark Twain
Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured. Ann Landers
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. Mother Teresa
Keeping score of old scores and scars, getting even and one-upping, always make you less than you are. Malcolm Forbes
Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. Mahatma Gandhi
To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee. William H. Walton
Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools. Albert Einstein
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Buddha
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice; and be ye kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, Paul, The Bible
To err is human; to forgive, divine. Alexander Pope
"Today I forgive all those who have ever offended me. I give my love to all thirsty hearts, both to those who love me and to those who do not love me." Paramahansa Yogananda
REFLECTIONS
What wounds am I carrying through life that could be healed by forgiving?
What is my next step towards being able to forgive?
What have I done that I need to seek forgiveness for? How can I make amends?
