© 2005 Nancy Watters, http://www.VirtuesConsulting.com. May be copied for non-commercial educational use only, provided the complete article is reproduced with source and web site. All other rights reserved. For reprint permission write Nancy Watters at
When we feel threatened, our bodies react. They prepare for "fight or flight". Anger and fear often follow, but they needn't determine our course of action. Part of growing up is learning what to do when anger rears its ugly head. Tantrums are most common between the ages of two and four because children haven't yet learned skills to cope in more appropriate ways. Sometimes people never outgrow this behavior and tantrums become a habit. What helps?
One school of thought encourages us to "let it all hang out" under the theory that anger will dissipate when it's vigorously expressed. The more you bottle up anger, the bigger it gets, they claim. This approach recommends screaming, hitting a pillow, tearing up newspaper, lambasting the aggressor and other methods of "release". Recent research contradicts this theory. When we nurse our anger, it actually gets worse. Calming activities are more effective. Try soothing self-talk, vigorous exercise, deep breathing or meditation. Let your anger be a signal that something is amiss and put your energy into fixing the problem, not into feeding the anger.
Parents and teachers can greatly reduce the number of children's tantrums by following three simple rules.
- Be a positive role model. The strongest influence on children's behavior is what you yourself do when frustrated or angry.
- When possible, forestall a tantrum before it's in full swing. Watch for the warning signals and take preventative action. It's much easier to stop a tantrum before it starts (see the checklist below).
- Instead of getting furious when a child throws a fit, get curious. What's going on under the surface? Children's tantrums are a signal that something is amiss. Do they need more attention, quiet relaxation, more sleep or less challenging activities? First, discover the underlying reasons. See Why Children Misbehave
17 WAYS TO PREVENT TANTRUMS
- Actively teach methods of anger management and self-control, such as thinking before acting, counting slowly, taking deep breaths, relaxation techniques, and problem solving skills.
- Rehearse situations that provoke anger. Practice how to respond calmly.
- Praise your child when they are peaceful in the face of frustration. Notice when they are making a big effort, even if they don't succeed perfectly all the time.
- Stick to predictable routines for eating, sleeping, etc. as much as possible.
- Leave some unscheduled time, time to daydream, time to be alone. Rushing creates stress, which can lead to frustration and anger.
- Choose activities and toys that are developmentally appropriate-neither too hard (frustrating), nor too easy (boring).
- Side-step power struggles. Think carefully before you say "no". A constant stream of "no"s invites anger and resistance.
- Once you say "no" stick to it. If you cave in to tantrums, they will become more frequent.
- Use discipline techniques that encourage self-regulation, rather than tight external controls. Anger management takes self-discipline.
- Watch for signs that your child has reached their limit. Are they tired, hungry, ill, getting too wound up? When you see warning signs, switch to a quiet activity, have a snack, offer a nap or come home from the store.
- When you see frustration building, offer a little help, but not so much that you take over completely. Too much interference can be equally frustrating.
- Keep your own stress under control. Tension is contagious.
- Teach children to recognize their feelings and talk about them. When they talk out their frustrations, they won't have to act up to get their point across. Managing feelings competently doesn't mean stuffing them down and ignoring them.
- Listen compassionately when your child talks about their anger. Many times this will be the end of it.
- Give your child appropriate attention so that they don't need to have a tantrum just to get noticed.
- Give your child appropriate choices, so that they don't need to fight you just to have a reasonable say in things.
- Encourage excellence, but don't set such impossibly high standards that your child is always frustrated. Focus on effort and improvement, not mistakes.
SIX STEPS TO TAME A CHILD'S TANTRUM
It's difficult to stop a tantrum once it's in full swing, but you can shorten it's duration by your actions.
STEP ONE: Empathize. Acknowledge the child's feeling using a calm, matter-of-fact tone of voice. "You are very angry. You really want that candy bar." Your understanding and self-control will be reassuring, though the child will rarely admit it. Immediately proceed to step two.
STEP TWO: Request that the child stop the tantrum. Firmly say, "Stop! Please use your self-control now." Teach them that every human being has the magic power of self-control in them. They can activate this power whenever they need it.
STEP THREE: If the tantrum continues, ignore it, if conditions are safe to do so. The purpose of ignoring is to allow the child a face-saving way to regain self-control and dignity. This works best in situations where the child wants inappropriate attention (e.g. interrupting when you are on the phone) or is determined to get their own way.
- Either stand calmly within sight and hearing; take the child to a quiet spot to be alone; or go to another room yourself. Your choice will depend on the age of the child and the circumstances.
- Avoid verbal communication, eye contact and body language (sighs, gestures, making faces, etc.)
- As soon as they are calm, reward them with a smile and verbally acknowledge their peacefulness and self-control. Then proceed to step five.
STEP FOUR: When it appears that the child cannot regain composure on their own, you need to help. If they are harming themselves or other people, one option is to hold them in a firm embrace. It's very important that you are not angry when doing this. Hold them and lovingly tell them, "I'll keep you safe until you are in control again."
STEP FIVE: After they have been calm for a while, talk with them about what made them angry. Invite them to draw a picture about it or write their feelings. Help them figure out how to fix the problem that led to their anger. Then brainstorm what they can do to avoid a tantrum when something like this happens again.
STEP SIX: Be grateful that you had this opportunity to teach them a valuable life skill. People who don't learn anger management and self-control lead very unhappy lives.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
When I was raising my children we happily stumbled upon a series story books by Elizabeth Crary. Titles such as "I'm Furious", I'm Frustrated", "I Can't Wait", and "I Want It" immediately caught our attention. Each book sets up a challenging situation and then lets the readers choose from a list of possible endings. As you read through various scenarios you evaluate the choices in a non-judgmental way. The books taught me and my children how to be more creative problem solvers and that, even when they have strong feelings, they can be in control of their reactions.
"Teaching Self Control: Strategies for Parents" by the National Association of School Psychologists is a helpful resource at http://www.teachersandfamilies.com/open/parent/control1.cfm, as is "Self Control: Zero To Three" at http://www.zerotothree.org/tips/SELFCONT.HTM
Teachers will find the award-winning Second Step program to be particularly effective in teaching social and emotional skills. The program includes research-based, teacher-friendly curricula, training for educators, and parent-education components. The teacher's guide includes background research, implementation instructions, transfer-of-learning activities, parent letters and a bibliography of related story books for K-7. Visit http://www.cfchildren.org/ to learn more.
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