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The Virtues Gazette Bringing Virtues To Life |
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The Virtues Gazette Bringing Virtues To Life |
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The Virtues Gazette is a FREE monthly e-zine that brings you practical ways to boost "moral intelligence" in homes, schools and communities. Feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends. Subscribe here
EDITOR'S NOTE: You may have noticed that The Virtues Gazette was not published in April. Ironically, it was to have been about Responsibility. As it turned out, I was learning real-life lessons about responsbility. My compter hard drive crashed and I had to completely rebuild my subscriber data base. (If you know subscribers who got lost in the shuffle, please ask them to send a news subscription request.)I must admit that I considered discontinuing the whole project. But then I thought about all the enthusiastic subscribers in 25 countries, your wonderful letters and contributions, and was determined to keep my committment to you. So here, at last, is the issue about Responsibility. The Virtues Gazette is growing! I hope it serves you well.
IN THIS ISSUE:
- Virtue of the Month--Responsibility
- 5 Tips for Chores without Wars
- 5 Principles for Giving an Allowance
- Virtue Gems--Inspirational stories of virtues in action-Send YOUR Stories
- AWAKENING THE VIRTUES WITHIN: AN INTRODUCTION TO THE VIRTUES PROJECT--October 17-19, 2003
- Other Upcoming Events--October Pro-D Day for educators
- Archive of previous issues
1. VIRTUE OF THE MONTH---Responsibility
RESPONSIBLE: "1. morally accountable for one's actions 2. of good credit, position or repute, respectable, evidently trustworthy" (Oxford Pocket Dictionary)
Modern discourse tends to emphasize individual rights and freedoms over responsibility. When I've asked teenagers what their rights are and they respond readily with a long list. When I ask what their corresponding responsibilities are, they hesitate and think a little harder. Teaching this character trait fell out of favor in the 60's. But now, having seen the lamentable results of a "laissez faire" approach to childrearing, there is renewed interest in teaching responsibility. Employers, teachers and parents have all felt the brunt of the imbalance caused by overemphasizing rights and freedoms, without elaborating on the responsibilities that go hand-in-hand with those rights.
Responsibility seems burdensome in contrast to some of the "warm, fuzzy" virtues such as Love and Compassion. It evokes images of having to do things we don't want to and restricting our personal freedoms. But viewed from another perspective, Responsibility is cause for celebration. It a product of our uniquely human power of free-will. If we didn't have this power, then we wouldn't need to worry about being responsible.
Only human beings have the power to choose their actions, thoughts and beliefs. Animals are captives of nature, their actions dictated by the laws of creation. In contrast, people are able to defy the laws of nature. They overcome gravity and fly to the moon. They invent tools that communicate far beyond the eye's ability to see or the ear to hear. What a gift!
With this gift comes the power to do great good or great harm. The choice is ours. This is the essence of Responsibility. If we use our power of choice in healthy, moral ways, we gain confidence and joy. We earn the trust and respect of others.
Thomas Likona says that "RESPONSIBILITY is the active side of morality. It includes taking care of self and others, fulfilling our obligations, contributing to our communities, alleviating suffering, and building a better world." (Educating For Character: How our Schools Can Teach Respect and Responsibility)
HOW DO CHILDREN LEARN TO BE RESPONSIBLE?
How can they learn the right use of choice? When children are born, they are helpless and all choices are in the parents' hands. Gradually, children develop the desire to "have their way". They discover the joy of saying "NO"! This awakening of will-power is often greeted with dismay by parents. Yet is it precisely this power (also called determination or persistence) that can carry them through hard times, build character and strengthen Responsibility.
The goal is to train children to use their will-power in the right way--to be responsible and make moral choices. This is accomplished by allowing choices within ever-expanding limits. For example, you can offer a two year old child a choice between two ACCEPTABLE, SAFE alternatives. {Do you want to buckle your seat belt or have me do it for you?} Then let them experience the results of their choice. Afterwards, in a peaceful moment, help them learn by discussing the results in a non-judgmental way. Help them figure out for themselves what worked well and what didn't. Ask, "What was that like for you?" If they didn't like the results ask, "What would you do differently next time?" "What virtue could you have used to succeed?" As they get older, include more choices. By the time they are teens, they need to have much skill using their will-power because they will be making many choices that parents have no control over. When you are tempted to get into a battle of wills with your child, remember that they will need determination and persistence to avoid many dangers in life. Don't aim to eliminate will-power. Aim to teach children its responsible use.
TWO TOOLS that parents use to teach children responsibility are chores and allowances. They often link these two together by paying their children to do chores. The theory is that in "the real world" no one works without being paid. But the virtue of Responsibility calls us to go deeper and summon up an inner desire to do the right thing, even if no reward is forthcoming. Therefore, if you want to strengthen the virtue of Responsibility, I recommend that you do not pay children for doing chores. The inner sense of responsibility does not develop when children are always paid or rewarded for doing what is their duty. Chores should be done because they are a necessary part of family (school or work) life; a contribution to the good of the whole. The natural reward for doing a good job is a sense of competence, of belonging and of unity.
FIVE TIPS FOR "CHORES WITHOUT WARS"
- Make sure the chores are age-appropriate-neither too easy nor too hard. A typical 11 year old can do laundry and change their bed sheets. A 7 year old can make their own lunch, clean their room, and get themselves up in the morning with the help of an alarm clock. A 4 year old can wash dishes and perform simple cooking tasks under supervision.
- Once a chore is assigned and a deadline set, do not give any reminders, except to very young children.
- Be sure to set a fair work load, in consideration of other responsibilities such as homework or sports. On the average this would mean ˝ hour on school days and 2 hours on weekends.
- Use the "When---then" formula for training children to follow through. In other words, withhold privileges until chores are done. "When you are done with your work, then you can go to your friend's house." To be effective, maintain a friendly tone of voice.
- Hold a family or class meeting once a month to determine who will do which chores. Compliance is more likely when there are choices and variety. (see ACTION IDEA below)
Two excellent books on this topic are: Chores Without Wars: Turning Dad and Kids from Reluctant Stick-In-The-Muds to Enthusiastic Team Players by Riki Intner, Lynn Lott and Winning the Chores Wars: How to Get Your Child to Do Household Jobs by Lee Canter, Marlene Canter.
FIVE PRINCIPLES FOR GIVING AN ALLOWANCE
One of the benefits of being in a family is to share in its wealth. Each person, according to his needs and age, deserves to have some of the family money, if it is within the parent's ability. (In the world of business, this idea is mirrored by the concept of employee profit-sharing and coop enterprises.) A weekly allowance, can be a very effective tool for teaching responsibility, provided the principles described below are adhered to.
- Give each child a weekly allowance appropriate for their age. Explain that this is one of the privileges of being in your family. Start young with small amounts.
- Once an allowance has been set, don't supplement it with additional money. Let the child learn how to regulate their spending through the natural consequences of their choices. If they find they want more, be sympathetic, but "Let the chips fall where they may."
- Let the child purchase what they wish without coercion, as long as it is healthy and safe. When they make mistakes, help them learn by asking non-judgmental questions.
- Consider having teens plan a budget that includes all their regular personal expenses, including the cost of clothes, cosmetics, sports equipment, etc. Then, if you approve the amount, they can be responsible for their own choices. If you find it hard to watch their consumer mistakes, consider this: would you rather they make those mistakes in their teens when you are still around to help them think things through, or later on in their 20's when they are on their own? Which will help them learn responsibility most effectively?
- Even though an allowance is not a specific payment for doing work in the home, it can be one of the privileges that is withheld until chores are done.
Parents and teachers can do much to encourage the growth of responsibility, but they can't guarantee it. Ultimately, as Anne Frank wrote, "Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands."
WORDS OF WISDOM:
"If it is to be, it is up to me." Anonymous
"You can't escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today." Abraham Lincoln
"A secure individual. . . knows that the responsibility for anything concerning his life remains with himself-and he accepts that responsibility." Harry Browne
"When you blame others, you give up your power to change." Anonymous
"Ask God's blessing on your work, but don't ask Him to do it for you." Dame Flora Robinson
"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." W.E. Hickson
"If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average." M.H. Alderson
ACTION IDEA:
Start a monthly family (or classroom) meeting to discuss how to share the chores. First make a list of all chores that can be accomplished by the age group you are working with. Next sort the chores into two categories-"big" and "small". Things that are hard or time-consuming, such as laundry, would go into the "big" category. Quick jobs (e.g. bringing in the mail) would be in the "small" category. The list will vary in each family or classroom, so spend some time discussing which category seems fair for each chore. Now make two "job jars"-Big and Small. Write each chore on a slip of paper and put it in the appropriate jar. Each week, have each person in the group choose one item from each jar as their responsibility. People are free to work out mutually agreeable trades if they don't like the results. Have a common time to do the chores. It's more fun working together. Encourage using the "When_______then_________" formula: "When you are done, then we will go to the park." At the next monthly meeting review how things are going and make adjustments.
WAYS TO PRACTICE RESPONSIBILITY:
- Think carefully before you make a commitment.
- Have the courage to say no to things you cannot do.
- Make realistic plans to achieve your goals.
- Use a calendar, checklists and written notes to stay on track.
- Keep your promises, even when it is hard to do.
- When you make a mistake, apologize, make amends, and keep on trying.
- Take positive action instead of making excuses.
- Persevere in learning new skills so that you become more responsible.
- Volunteer-take action to help solve community problems.
- Do your share of family chores.
- Obey the laws of your community (or work peacefully to change them).
- Choose to be a person of good character.
AFFIRMATIONS:
People can count on me. I have the power to make wise choices. I am organized and have a plan. I think carefully before I make a promise. I keep my commitments, even when it is hard to do. I don't need to be perfect--mistakes help me learn new things. The choice to be responsible is mine.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION:
What is one thing I can do today in order to practice responsibility?
How will I organize my family or classroom so that the children learn more responsibility?
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2. VIRTUE GEMS--INSPIRATIONAL AND HUMOROUS STORIES
DO YOU HAVE A HUMOROUS OR INSPIRING STORY OF Virtues in Action TO SHARE? Send your stories to
Submission Guidelines
3. AWAKENING THE VIRTUES WITHIN: AN INTRDUCTION TO THE VIRTUES PROJECT (TM)
Take time away from your daily routine to relax and enjoy this two-day personal and professional development program at a serene retreat center, on Vancouver Island in Canada. Experience transformative activities that inspire the practice of virtues in everyday life. You will begin to learn five skills used worldwide in classrooms, homes and workplaces to raise morally conscious children, create peaceful schools, enhance workforce integrity, and cultivate personal growth. Fulfills the prerequisite for facilitator training.
"It was the most profound professional workshop that I have attended in years." Gillian Krantz, Elementary school educator, Abbottsford, BC
WHEN: Friday, October 17 (7:00 PM)--Sunday, October 19, 2003 (4:00 PM)
WHERE: Queenswood Retreat Center, Victoria, Vancouver Island, Canada
Registration Form
Phone/Fax 250-746-3626
Toll Free: 1-866-386-0253
ABOUT THE TRAINER--Nancy Watters, MA, is a recognized international trainer on "Creating a Culture of Integrity". She is an educator, consulting psychologist and president of Watters & Associates founded in 1997. Read more. . . http://www.virtuesconsulting.com/about.html
ABOUT THE VIRTUES PROJECT
4. OTHER UPCOMING EVENTS
October 24, 2003--SHAPING CHARACTER: CREATING A CULTURE OF VIRTUES IN OUR SCHOOLS
This is a focused professional development workshop that introduces The Virtues Project™ to educators, administrators, counselors and parents.
Schedule of Events
Workshop Descriptions
Nancy Watters, MA, would like to present a WORKSHOP, SPEECH OR RETREAT for your organization in the coming year. Contact her at:
Toll free phone: 1-866-386-0253 (North America);Phone/fax: 250-746-3626
©2003 Watters & Associates Webmaster
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