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The Virtues Gazette Bringing Virtues To Life |
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The Virtues Gazette Bringing Virtues To Life |
March 2003 Published monthly by Watters & Associates, British Columbia, Canada Author/Editor: Nancy A. Watters, MA The Virtues Gazette is a FREE monthly e-zine that brings you practical ways to boost "moral intelligence" in homes, schools and communities. Feel free to forward this newsletter to your friends. Subscribe here 1. VIRTUE OF THE MONTH---RESPECT To respect someone means "to regard with deference or esteem, avoid interfering with or harming, treat with consideration, refrain from offending". (Oxford Pocket Dictionary) Yesterday I had a disturbing conversation with a father of a three-year-old child. I have known this devoted dad for several years and consider him a thoughtful and caring man. Therefore I was surprised when he stated that he is teaching his child that a certain international political leader is evil and deserves to be killed. He said that he has been showing him the man's picture on the Internet, is proud that his child could pick this man out of a line up and that his son will be happy when the man is dead. What is this child learning about respect for human life? He is too young to understand the finer points of international politics and justice. He is learning to hate. I hope this father and others like him will reconsider their approach. We cannot reduce violence, hatred and injustice by teaching disrespect for human life. Respectful behavior towards others comes from recognizing the inherent worth of each human being and their right to be treated with dignity and honor. Each one is a leaf on the tree of humanity, created with noble qualities potentially within them. If some of the leaves and fruits on that tree are defective ignorant, weak or ailing, we must strive compassionately to help them. When we see that someone is not influenced by good, however, action must be taken to restrain them from harming others. Even in those cases, however, the motivation is the protection of the community, not revenge and hate. Some people confuse respect with fear. They try to get "respect" by threats or force. The result is that people are afraid of them. True respect leads to genuine admiration and affection. It creates harmonious relationships that honor the rights and dignity of all involved. We don't have to look far to find examples of disrespect and lack of civility. Consider the rise in "air rage", a new hazard of air travel caused by passenger rudeness, insolence, and verbal abuse, as well as outright violence. Flight attendants now receive special training on how to deal with this dangerous phenomenon. Or how about the media? The average child in North America watches three hours of television daily. 3,500 studies over the past 40 years have shown that children copy behavior they see in on television 98% of the time. So what are they learning about respect from this pastime? First, the news is replete with examples of prominent people who model disrespect for human life--clergy charged with sexual abuse, police officers charged with racial brutality, corporate executives accused of theft, athletes charged with assault and elected officials charged with perjury. This constant stream of poor role models is demoralizing and creates disrespect. Foul, rude language is dished up in ever-increasing amounts as well. One study, [a review of 209 films released in 1996], found that 89% of the PG movies [those deemed suitable for youngest children] featured crude language and 59% used obscene language. The Parents Television Council looked at four weeks of US programming during the 1999 fall season in the 8:00 PM to 11:00 PM time slot and totted up 1,173 vulgarities--nearly five times more than in 1989. < But that is fiction. How do real-life parents treat their children? Research shows that the average parent makes eighteen disrespectful comments to his child for every respectful comment. Another survey revealed that one out of three parents called their children belittling names and swore at them. [Cited in Michelle Borba, Building Moral Intelligence, p. 122] Disrespectful treatment destroys a child's sense of dignity and worth and teaches them to behave in a disrespectful manner to others. Another troublesome trend is the behavior of parents at their children's athletic events. In the United States, youth sports programs in over 160 cities now require parents to sign a pledge of proper conduct before they can attend their kid's games. Some require them to also watch a video on civility. This is a result of constant complaints from coaches that they are being assaulted and verbally threatened by irate parents. Lest we think that our generation has cornered the market on disrespect, here is what Socrates wrote in the fifth century BC: "Our youth love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority, and disrespect for their people. Children nowadays are tyrants. They no longer rise when their elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble their food and tyrannize their teachers". The crisis of disrespect apparently has a long history. How can we consciously and vigorously infuse respectful attitudes and behaviors into our communities? The easiest time to teach respect is in childhood, so today's suggestions are directed to parents, teachers and all those who work with children. But keep in mind that respect can be learned at any age, and it is just as important to practice it into the workplace as at home. Mary Kay Ash for example, is known for giving respect and recognition to her international sales force. She built her company from sales of about $200,000 in 1963 to $613 million in 1993. CEO Howard Schultz of Starbucks Coffee Company says, "I . . .[made] sure everyone felt valued, respected and part of the winning result." STEP ONE: SELF-RESPECT The foundation for treating others with respect is self-respect. Self-respect comes both from "being" and "doing". First, we must know that we are created noble. Tell children that their life has purpose and worth, that they are valuable just for being. Tell them often that you love them, and specifically what you love about them. Show that they are important by spending time with them. Self-respect also is built on noble deeds and striving for excellence. Teach kids to align their behavior with virtues such as honesty, caring and responsibility. Reinforce good behavior by "catching them in the act of committing a virtue". Help them discover their unique talents. Encourage them to use those talents to make the world a better place. STEP TWO: YOUR EXAMPLE Be an example of the behavior you want to see. Ask yourself, "If I treated my friends the way I treat my children (or employees), how many friends would I have left?" Humility, courtesy, and open-mindedness convey respect, as well as listening without interrupting, positive body language and a gentle tone of voice. STEP THREE: INSTRUCTION Actively teach children what you mean by respect and how to show it. Teach respectful language and the good manners of your culture, and then praise children when you see them using those behaviors. Let children know that respectful, courteous people are more successful in school, in work, and in family relationships. STEP FOUR: CLEAR RULES Set up clear rules for respect (see Action Item #2 below). Squelch rude behavior as soon as you see it. Say for example, "I notice that when I talk to you, you roll your eyes and shake your head. That's disrespectful and you need to stop." Set up consequences if the child does not comply. For example, walk away and do not continue the conversation until they are respectful. If they continue to be disrespectful, take away television (or other) privileges for a day or two, on the grounds that its creating a bad influence. STEP FIVE: THE GOLDEN RULE Teach the "Golden Rule"(see examples below). Teach children to ask themselves, "Would I like to be treated the way I am treating this other person?" When they make mistakes, talk it about it respectfully. Ask, "How could you do that differently next time?" Encourage them that they will do better and better with practice. Additional excellent ideas for teaching respect can be found in chapter four of Building Moral Intelligence, by Michelle Bourba. WORDS OF WISDOM:--The "Golden Rule" as expressed in world religions "What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor; that is the entire Torah; the rest is commentary; go learn it." Judaism, Babylonian Talmud, Shabbat 31a "Do not to others what ye do not wish done to yourself. This is the whole Dharma; heed it well." Hinduism, The Mahabharata "Human nature is good only when it does not do unto another whatever is not good for its own self." Zoroastrianism, Dadistan-I-Dinik, 94:5 "Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful." Buddhism, Udanavarga, 5:18 "Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself." Confucianism, The Analects, 15:23, 6:28 "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Christianity, The Bible, Luke 6:13 "No one of you is a believer until you desire for another that which you desire for yourself." Islam, The Sunnah (from the Hadith) "Blessed is he who preferreth his brother before himself." Baha'i Faith, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p. 71 ACTION IDEAS: 1) Make a list of disrespectful words and phrases you say to yourself. Do you call yourself names? ("Idiot"? "Stupid"? "Zit-face"?) Do you put yourself down? ("I'm too dumb to do that . . ." "I'll never be able to do that . . ." "I might as well just give up . . .") When you finish making your list, crumple it up, tear it up, shred it, stomp on it, and throw it away. Promise yourself that you'll never again use those words or phrases. Replace them with compliments, congratulations and encouragement. [From What Do You Stand For: A Kid's Guide to Building Character by Barbara A. Lewis.] 2) Create Rules of Respect for your family, classroom, youth group or workplace. First, gather all the people who will need to follow the rules. Then list their ideas for rules of respect--the more, the better! Next, talk about the pros and cons of each rule on the list. As a group choose your top five. Now brainstorm consequences for breaking the rules and choose one consequence for each. The best consequences are those that help the person make amends, learn about manners and respectful behavior, and restore the dignity of all involved. (Avoid punishments that make the offender feel embarrassed or ashamed. This destroys self-worth and leads to increasingly disrespectful behavior.) Finally, make a sign with your rules and consequences. Display it where everyone can see it. WAYS TO PRACTICE RESPECT:
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION: How can I show true respect for someone in my family today? Did I treat others the way I would like to be treated today? What can I do to help create a more respectful environment in my school, family or workplace? Back to Top 2. VIRTUE GEMS--INSPIRATIONAL AND HUMOROUS STORIES I attribute this thought process to his Baha'i school teacher, Debbie Darrell, who consistently included a virtues component in her class with him each week. It was fascinating to me that he would see the person holding the sign with such a perspective. One never knows what is going on in those little minds....but it is usually big thoughts. Daniel has been a great one for asking the most difficult questions; such as "If God created the universe and all that is in it, who created God?" DO YOU HAVE A HUMOROUS OR INSPIRING STORY OF Virtues in Action TO SHARE? Send your stories to Submission Guidelines Back to Top 3. AWAKENING THE VIRTUES WITHIN: A VIRTUES PROJECT(TM) WORKSHOP Take time away from your daily routine to relax and enjoy this two-day personal and professional development program at a serene retreat center, on Vancouver Island in Canada. Experience transformative activities that inspire the practice of virtues in everyday life. You will begin to learn five skills used worldwide in classrooms, homes and workplaces to raise morally conscious children, create peaceful schools, enhance workforce integrity, and cultivate personal growth. "I can't begin to tell you how much I enjoyed your workshop. I seem to have come away with a confidence in my teaching that has eluded me for some time. I have been energized and positive this week with my students,the staff and my principal. Thank you so much for a wonderful experience. It was the most profound professional workshop that I have attended in years." Gillian Krantz, Elementary school educator, Abbottsford, BC WHEN: Friday, April 4th (7:00 PM)through Sunday, April 6, 2003 (3:00 PM) Registration Form Phone/Fax 250-746-3626 Toll Free: 1-866-386-0253 ABOUT THE TRAINER--Nancy Watters, MA, is a recognized international trainer on "Creating a Culture of Integrity". She is an educator, consulting psychologist and president of Watters & Associates founded in 1997. Read more. . . http://www.virtuesconsulting.com/about.html ABOUT THE VIRTUES PROJECT 4. OTHER UPCOMING EVENTS Schedule of Events Workshop Descriptions Nancy Watters, MA, would like to present a WORKSHOP, SPEECH OR RETREAT for your organization in the coming year. Contact her at: Toll free phone: 1-866-386-0253 (North America);Phone/fax: 250-746-3626 ©2003 Watters & Associates
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